Sonic the Hedgehog 2 doesn’t offer much for either the fetish crowd or kids looking for unencumbered adventure spectacle.
Ever since bursting onto the scene in 1991, it seems as if the spunky Sonic the Hedgehog can’t stop busting a nut. Straight up, he really is one of the horniest creatures to ever grace video game culture: his stinky, smelly feet entice the foot fetish crowd, patiently waiting for the glorious day when he’ll drop his shoes so they can drop their pants; the constant hints that he and his “best friend” Tails are a tad closer than a purely platonic relationship; and who could forget the furry fandom that surrounds this hot and bothered little beast — one that has, via fan art and fanfiction, re-imagined the spiny mammal as either pregnant, obese, autistic, homosexual, diaper-wearing, or a provocative combination of all five. At least, this is what the character has come to represent to a not insignificant subculture of taboo-inclined Sonic stans, and this review is for you too. But fear not to the few remaining purists, the ones still waiting for their favorite obsession to appear in one more good game (which hasn’t occurred since… what, Sonic Adventure 2 back in 2001? Good luck with that one!): the Sonic of Sonic the Hedgehog 2 isn’t expecting anytime soon or shitting himself and is keeping things strictly in the friend-zone with his little orange buddy. This version of Sonic is a family-friendly animal with a heavy ‘tude of the milquetoast variety, eating chili dogs and zipping around to obnoxious ’80s needle drops and Kid Cudi movie tie-in tracks; he gets in a Russian dance battle at one point, but that’s set to “Uptown Funk.” So it seems that this isn’t strictly for the Roblox generation — sorry to disappoint, but there’s no rampant full-frontal nudity or urophilia or frequent but tasteful orgies.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves here; in fact, one could say we’re moving fast like Sonic does when avoiding the police, Eggman’s robots, or, if fanfiction is to be believed, vermin STDs. So let’s go even faster with the plot description: Robotnik returns, recruits a giant-ass red echidna to dispose of Sonic, collects the mystical anal beads… sorry, Chaos Emeralds, and also does the floss dance at one point. Of course, Sonic eventually stops him, while also teaching his human guardian Tom Wachowski (a very disposable James Marsden) a thing or two about commitment, responsibility, and a bunch of other tedious virtues that practically everyone under the age of 8 — also known as the target audience for this sorta thing — will completely ignore and/or be bored stiff by whenever there’s a non-CGI entity on screen. So essentially the first film, but with a few new tricks: now, instead of one annoying human character to follow around, we have several! (Don’t get it twisted, though; there’s no clear indication that rascal Sonic’s been getting into bestiality.).
Another thing that moves real fast? How quickly Jim Carrey steals this motion picture by embodying Robotnik as a failed Jerry Lewis type to the fullest, a sorta cuckold Chad Eggman to the Virgin Sonic (the true sigma of the Sonic universe? Obviously bear-like Big the Cat). He outshines both a genuinely humorous Idris Elba voicing Knuckles, and a wonderful Colleen O’Shaughnessey reprising her role as everyone’s favorite apricot-colored, age-playing beta. The one thing here that doesn’t advance as expeditiously is the film’s pacing; “gotta go fast!” Sonic usually exclaims, a phrase the writers of Sonic the Hedgehog 2 apparently have never heard in their entire lives, bogging down what should be a relatively straight-up children’s adventure flick into a flabby two-hour exercise in world-building. (There aren’t even any intense copulation scenes occurring between the exposition dumps, if you can believe it). Perhaps these issues will all be solved by the release of Sonic 3, which will hopefully rank as Sonic’s sexiest adventure yet; for now, this one will do.