Night Teeth is a generic, derivative DTV trifle that fails to make its vampire story vampy enough.
Onto the heap of DTV detritus you can now toss Night Teeth, a wildly generic, timidly un-exciting modern-day vampires-in-LA jalopy that’s just completely undistinguished, right down to it’s pink-purple-blue color palette that seemingly every straight-to-streaming piece of genre junk applies liberally these days. Tedious voiceover accompanied by bits of animation (shades of the somewhat more interesting Archenemy) inform us that there’s a truce in an ancient battle between humans and vampires (how novel!), and that, for some reason maybe only known to LA residents, the demilitarized zone in this conflict is the Boyle Heights neighborhood. Which is where we find Benny (Jorge Lendeborg Jr.), younger brother to Jay (Raúl Castillo); Benny wants to take over the world as a DJ/producer, while Jay makes a solid job of his own chauffeur service. One night, Benny subs in for Jay, who tells him all about the many rules of being a driver, but fails to tell his little bro that his clients that night are a pair of sexy babe vampires (Debby Ryan and Lucy Fry). Worse, these two bloodsuckers work for the vampire big bad Victor (Alfie Allen), who’s intent on breaking the human/vamp truce and seizing power. Also, Jay is a foot soldier in this war with a personal vendetta against Victor.
Most of Night Teeth‘s interminable 110 minutes involve Benny driving through a glowing Los Angeles while the two girls in the back drip innuendo and purr at him. When he’s not busy awkwardly straightening his tie, he surreptitiously trails them into nightclubs while we watch a bunch of people writhing and dancing in slow-motion. This happens at least five times. When the actual plot kicks in — Benny and one of the girls start to like each other, Victor and Jay move toward their final confrontation — something like an hour has gone by without a single significant incident or any discernable stylization or violence that’s even remotely memorable. The sole exception would be one solitary scene featuring Megan Fox and Sydney Sweeney as elder vampires who saucily and succinctly admonish Victor for his antics. Someone please give these women, especially Fox, some decent material instead of this utter pablum that plays like someone made an entire movie based on the voiceover and opening blood-nightclub scene in Blade but without the cool part. This effort isn’t worthy of their talents.
You can currently stream Adam Randall’s Night Teeth on Netflix.
